lately, i've been having these dreams that are realistic to me that i have a feeling it explains a past life and many of my ways.

i've dreamed so many times that i've been on a search for something grand, something to make me stand above and beyond others despite how i was. i dreamed that i was a lead pirate of a ship although... i don't know much about ships. i was content with the open seas and my crew of men but something was always missing... i dont' know what. i was a tall man, slender with appeal. I saw myself as a man with wavy, shoulder length hair the color blond. my eyes were hazel in a way. another thing i found odd about these dreams was how everytime i dreamt it, i couldn't control it at all. i wasn't myself truly.

at first i thought it was a bit crazy until i talked to a friend about it. they claimed that it could have been a past life i lead, or maybe i was seeing too many movies? i don't like pirates in this day in age for some reason.

i also found it weird as to how i never studied ships but i started saying things i didn't even hear. i was with a friend observing a replica of a boat's steering wheel when my friend stood behind it and moved it. she said that she was driving the fake boat. i just rolled my eyes and replied, "it's like no one fucking knows how to even handle this. you're steering it backwards, you know. stand behind the wheel and steer with one hand."

i don't know, i feel that it's interesting and stupid at the same time; this shit can just all be a coincident? sides, it doesn't matter now... i'm not on a ship or anything. i'm just myself; a girl going to college and still wondering what the hell to do with her life. i still say ninjas are cooler :/

Long time, no type!

here's a quick update on some things going on with me:

1. I'm doing summer courses for college.
2. I started taking my injections on my own daily. I haven't noticed much except that I've been getting more tired.
   
3. I haven't drawn anything serious in over 3 months.
   
4. Realized that heavy people never get dates; started losing weight slowly again.
5. Tried contacting old friends and they all ignored my text messages and missed calls.
6. Tried enjoying the small breaks I have on the weekends.. still dull.
7. I'm on the 4th disk of Lost Odyssey.
8. Made mental notes on my story that I have.
   
9. Started walking daily near the evening to prevent me from overheating easily.
10. I need to look up sources and find a newspaper tomorrow. @___@
11. I moved my gauges from a 0g to a 00g. OH, THE PAIN!
12. I got a haircut recently. My hair was to my midback but now.. it's up to my shoulders!
13. Established a new awkward friendship with my ex. OH HIMMMM.

Nothing much else! Woo!

It seems lately i come on just to write about how depressed i am and i have to apologize. i have no one to tell this too and it seems like i'm on a brink of building depression.

i went to the doctor today and we still need to do 3 mri scans on my spine to see how much the disease has spread. i'm crying practically every night it seems, the laughter during the day doesn't do much for me anymore and i which it did. at night i just have so much to think about and it ends up being the same situation, i always watch funny shows and then i get struck with tears. perhaps i'm not venting as much as i'm supposed to? maybe it's my reaction to my latest attack?

i never liked the term "attack" because it seems like something destructive and sad, but that's exactly what it is. it seems i cannot really withstand all that's happening to me. i feel like i'm sheltering myself inside, not really half dead but just... trying to bury my emotions deep down so that i won't suffer so openly in front of people, i know that's why i tend to lose my friends alot of the time.

on my way from a park, i was alone and just started making a list in my head of things to cheer me up but it seemed to make it worse.

i thought of my strengths but it fell into a weakness in the end. i thought of how i have a good knack of knowing tons of trivia and facts that are random, but it reminded me of how so many people have called me weird. though they all claim i'm weird in a "good way", i tend to think that this is what prevents me from having a serious relationship. thinking on the terms of relationship, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. it seems he was dating me out of pity because of all i went through and told me that he loved me but the romance was long gone.

i thought.. love was supposed to keep it together? if you truly love a person, why wouldn't you try your hardest to keep it together? i don't know, i've asked myself this over and over but i don't get an answer.

i tend to think most of the time that i will be lonley forever... sure, guys look my way at times but when they get to know me, i fall into a friendzone i can't make my way out of. i just wish to know what i'm doing wrong? maybe if i get someone to understand me and care for me, then maybe i wouldn't lose their love and intrest so easily like all my past relationships. i never broken off a relationship once in my life, it's always the guy or girl that does. "i just see you as a friend type more than a serious partner" or even "you're an awesome person and you'll make someone really happy one day" are some comments i get, it seems more out of pity than anything.

how can i make someone happy if they all see me as someone not worth enough to hold and care for beyond just the rough hug and plenty jokes? can't i just be loved fairly? that's all i ask...

maybe a close friend to talk to who can actually hug me in my time of need, that's all i need i guess. i dunno what i need or want anymore, i just want someone to hold and talk to i guess. i don't have much of anyone here to do that with anymore... i lost that in the 10th grade.

oh well, i'll just console myself to sleep i suppose.

oh, i almost forgot, half my hand is now numb to the wrist. i hope it'll stop spreading.

this ringing in my ears has been driving me insane and making me feel sick to my stomach. i know i shouldn't admit this to myself but it seems i have no other choice, it must be the ms. i also realized the along with the ringing in my ear, the tips of my fingers have gone numb for two days already. the doctor was telling me to expect more numbness but did it have to come so soon?

am i greedy to beg of no effect of this disease? maybe i am, i suppose.

art isn't flowing to me as much anymore but i have been getting more dreams. i dreamed last night that a man came to me. he had middle length hair and his appearance seemed that of a traveler, despite that whole appeal he looked clean. he was slightly shadowed and he spoke to me about several things. i am not too sure what was being discussed but he seemed serious. at the end, he stood up and patted his shorts as he spoke to me. "read their palm," he said. i was confused and asked what he meant, with that he only repeated the same phrase, "read their palm." maybe it's just something to motivate me back into palm reading... or then again, it might not be.

I have been caught up playing lost odyssey lately and i am shocked to hear more people haven't heard of it. it's an excellent game with an amazing storyline and lately it seems like i'm always crying whenever i play it. it's a novel, it's a dramatic story about knowing your true self, a movie with action, politics and even wars... it's just great.

going to the doctor's soon to get my stuff checked out. i just hope i don't get worse.. maybe i can practice art again while i wait... maybe.

I'm nervous and twitchy and it's late into the night. The game on my screen flickers on and off, it drives me insane because I am a coward of scary games but I bought it to give myself a backbone. Maybe that was 10 bucks I should have spent on food/art supplies instead. Yeah, maybe life just is not the same anymore.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year shortly after our anniversary, how sad is that? I stayed with him mostly out of loneliness, despite the fact that it always felt that way to me. 

All my friends left me or just forgot about me when I left high school, so I'm practically all by myself and struggling with issues. What happened to me? I thought I was on top of the world until just a year ago.

My life just makes me feel like I'm in a section of dullness with small amount of happiness and only resulting to online friends. My family tells me to talk more and make friends for my own health but I shrug it off. There's no point in friends if the people I become friends with only leave in the end. I hate college.

I hate my life, despite how good I have it.

No one knows that I went to the hospital around December and stayed there for a week. No one knows what happened to me in that short time, to most I look normal and plain. I tell myself it's best for people not to know because of the pity factor. Truth is, maybe I need to vent this out? I'll tell you all because you don't know me personally and I need to let someone know.

Going to the hospital I found out why I've been having the issues I've had. Extreme sleepiness, severe depression, mood changes, anger, anxiety, and much more all because of this simple thing. I found out I had MS.

Yeah, it's simple to write but I'm shocked it hasn't driven me into more of a depression. I tell myself that I shouldn't be upset or angry, it's something that I need to just deal with and move on.

Here's the truth; I'm scared shitless and depressed as hell. I have a disease that can steal my eye sight or make me paralyzed from the waist down. I don't know what to do with myself lately except just pray to whichever higher being up there and hope i don't have to wake up with something taken away from me.

So I just live and hope. My disease just made me realize that I am just unlucky as hell. I have mostly everything opposite of what most with the disease have. My mom told me in the hospital when I was half asleep after my spinal tap that it was God's way of testing me to believe in him. I felt so insulted and disgusted with her afterward.

Who in their right mind would tell their child that God gave them a disease that can affect them in the future all so that I can accept God? No, thanks.

So now I'm thinking that.. maybe she is right? Who knows? Maybe God is taking this out on me because he hates me? I mean, I was abused when I was younger by my grandmother, my first true crush rejected me and I got depressed to the point of attempting suicide, my best friends all left me when I needed them, my teachers abused me when I was younger as well... when you think about it in that way, it's just terrible.

I'm done bitching and complaining, it's not like that's going to help me with this..